The 10 worst films to watch on a first date

Watching a film on the first date is a popular option for many would-be couples – there’s the classic stretching/arm-round-the-shoulder move, and it also means if you’re nervous or you end up hating them you don’t have to actually talk! However, a misstep when it comes to film choice could make a first date so, so much more awks than you could ever have envisaged. 

To help you avoid any dating disasters we’ve compiled a list of films that you should 100 per cent avoid on a first date. Or on any date, for that matter.

Human Centipede

Let’s just jump in at the deep end here. DO NOT SEE THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE on a date. Or, potentially ever. Anyone who thinks that a film entitled ‘The Human Centipede’ sounds like a nice, mildly-romantic, first-date flick, rather than the biggest red flag that has ever happened, probably shouldn’t be allowed out in public anyway. 

But, just in case, be warned that visions of a mad surgeon sewing his victims in unmentionable places is likely to spoil that romantic dinner you’ve been looking forward to. It’s also worth mentioning that if you were hoping tonight would be the night, watching this film is unlikely to make anyone feel like going home with a person they’ve just met, who actually RECOMMENDED THIS FILM.

The Twilight Saga

On the other end of the scale we have The Twilight Saga. This film might not inspire the same terror as the one above, but it could mean you wake up in the middle of the night to your date watching you intently as they sprinkle glitter on your sleeping form while softly whispering “sparkle for me Edward”. Is that what you wanted when you suggested a chill date watching films? Thought not.    

Lord of the Rings

The Lord of the Rings is just SO LONG. No-one wants to sit in silence for four hours with someone they don’t know watching a (frankly, overrated) film about hobbits and elves. There is only a very small percentage of the population for whom hobbits and elves are a turn-on, and it is unlikely that these are the sort of people you want to wake up with the morning after. 

The Notebook

Argh! The Notebook! The bane of every man’s existence! 

But ‘why?’ you might ask – surely this romantic film is just what you need to get the laydeez all hot? The simple answer is that – no matter what your mum told you – you will NEVER live up to Ryan Gosling in this film. No man could! Ryan Gosling in The Notebook makes Ryan Gosling in real life look like a less glamorous version of Keith Lemon. So imagine what your date is gonna see when the lights come up and it’s you sat next to her! 

The Artist

It’s a silent film. Silence is to be avoided at all costs on first dates, no matter how cool you’re trying to pretend to be. 

50 Shades of Grey

Yes, this is coming out on Valentine’s Day, and if you’re married and middle-aged then why the hell not? Get the kids a babysitter, jump in your Volvo and go shake things up in the bedroom. However, unless you’re just really, really committed to the concept of irony, taking a girl to see a softcore S&M flick on February 14th is just a no-no. She’s either going to think you’re a pervert or that you secretly identify as a 50-year-old housewife who just wants her husband to want her like he used to.  

White Chicks

This film is just so offensive on so many levels. God willing, your date won’t be a massive racist or misogynist, but unless you want to spend the aftermath of your cinema trip working out where you both stand in relation to each other on a number of sensitive topics, avoid. On the bright side, if you took them to see this awful film and they laughed at any point, you would be well within your rights to just ditch them then and there. Time saver!   

Gone Girl

This film is everything that could ever possibly go wrong in a relationship, in a cinematic yet psychotic package. There’s murder, extramarital affairs, entrapment and, worst of all, intense in-laws. Watching this film on your first date could leave you more in favour of rushing back home to Netflix (the real love of your life) than sharing a heart-shaped dessert with your date while contemplating your nightmarish future together.

Knocked Up

If you’ve never seen Knocked Up, it’s a film in which a stoner loser played by Seth Rogen (obviously) impregnates Katherine Heigl the first time they meet. Mild, predictable hilarity ensues. It’s an inoffensive enough film if you want to watch something when you’re hungover – BUT THINK OF THIS! This could well be the first time you’ve met your date! Do you want her to spend the entire time thinking about what would happen if you knocked her up and she had to deal with you for the rest of her life? Moral of the story: child support payments are not an appropriate first date topic. 

Teeth 

Vaginas and teeth. Never the twain should meet. On a first date or at any other time in human existence. Let’s not talk about this any more.